survivor

SURVIVOR

ok so here is the deal..
I have this toilet seat that sucks.. wobbles all over the damn place..
kinda worries me that one sleepy morning I may end up on the floor
with my pants 'round my feet.
so today I was trying to change the toilet seat, bought a new one at
Rona.hardware( a Quebec thing). and the god damn screws were rusted
tight as anything.. so I am vice gripping, hammering, screwdriving 'em and nothing, or next to nothing, so I try all of them just with a little more vim.. and what happens..
I bang on one and a whole chunk of toilet goes flying, I mean when I
say chunk its really a big sliver, like one of those bubble tea
straws.. I look at it and think-" that can't be good" but then I
think, well actually the new toilet seat will hold it on tight and I
can get some goop to glue it all together latter- perfect. So I
tighten the seat, looks great, excellent throne.. no more wobble, good
reading stability...then I flush.. and I suddenly get this lovely
fountain effect. As it turns out my little "sliver" of toilet had a far
more important role in the balance of toiletting than originally
assumed. So now I am thinking. FUCK!, but still I am also thinking..
some kick ass goop and it will all be good to go. That high tech goop
fixes everything

I crouch down and take a closer look only to notice that the piece that flew
off was only part of a long razor think crack.. a really long one, like Nile
long. So then I really think- FUCK!

But what to do?
I call Canadian Tire and ask if they are in fact at the Alexisneon
plaza.. they are.. a metro ride away, so off to the plaza.. I get
there and look around, and look around.. hey... no toilets.
You see I have decided that in my unemployed state
better I should fix this mess rather than wait until 9 pm for my
landlord and then perhaps even tomorrow.
Well no toilets at Canadian Tire, unlike the Canadian tire I know and
love in Halifax where they got toilets all over the place.

When I first moved here, to this loft, this area of town(Old Montreal),
the business district circa 1600, I began to realize that I have in
fact entered into - URBAN SURVIVOR- There is nothing here, no amenities.. it is all businesses and law firms, after 6pm it goes deathly quiet...even most of the caffes close after 4pm.

So each day there is a new challenge; laundry, groceries, videos,
wine, tennis balls for Milo, coffee...so today- Toilet.

While gathering my thoughts at Canadian Tire I ask some dude that
seems to speak English better than french, I figure this
after I ask him something in French and he sort of answers.. but as it
turns out he speaks both poorly and one is most def his native toung, just not sure which.

He tells me of a Home Depot on St Urbain. 20 min walk, he thinks...

Excellent!

off I go. Wandering my way through St Henri a little inner city suburb..in a cab.

Once I get to Home Depot,they seem to call it that in Quebec too,I
ask this short round fellow about a toilet and all the fixings to get the job done.
He fills my orange cart with everything I need.

Taxi back home.. and then to work.
Fear grips me when I suddenly realize that things could go extremely
wrong...stinky wrong. I mean its a toilet.

Well I followed the directions to the letter, no man without a map here.

And so the loft now has a brand new toilet and toilet seat, a little
smaller than the last one but everything seems to fit and flush and
work. No wobble and no trickle either. I shimmed the little white god steady
and I think it is very happy and stable in its new home.

take that Jeff Probst, give me the immunity idol.

Voila.